Heartbreaking Work
Watching death
Was not what I expected
Cancer did not eat her whole
It nibbled at her humanity
It bled from her nose for hours
It filled kidney basins with bile
It soaked sheets with sweat
And towels with spit
I filled the laundry machine
Hoping to drown out the sound of dread
Even after, I worried
If I spread her ashes any farther
I might not be able to put her together again
I might not see how big the tumor was
The burden she carried in her heart
If the tide washes them to the shore
Will the sand know she doesn’t belong
I hope her essence rose
From the smoke of cremation
Like she tried to rise above the pain
But from my view she suffered
Like the painstaking task
Of sorting grains of sand
Looking for your mother
In a place you can never find her
Jane Buell MD is an Otolaryngology resident at the University of Colorado. She enjoys writing poetry to organize her thoughts and emotions tied to tragedies witnessed at work.
Hometown: Fort Worth, TX.